The Space between Atoms 39

 The first night in his new house was sleepless.  Terah built up the fire a little.  Wendy had called him on the dorm phone, shared by all twelve of them in the hall.  “It’s over, Terah.” She said simply.

“But why?  Is it something I did?”

“No.  It’s not you.  It’s me.  There’s someone else.”

“Gary.”

“Yes.  It was Gary all along, but I didn’t have the heart to tell you.  I really like you, Terah.  I didn’t want to hurt you.  Good-bye.”

The dark seemed alive.  That wasn’t the end of the Wendy affair, but he wondered if it was why he’d managed not to really fall in love again.  Until now.  He had to be honest with himself.  He was smitten with Lindsey.  

As a grown man, he knew it was silly.  He’d had crushes before—as an adjunct professor he couldn’t help but notice the many stunning coeds in the classroom.  Danielle hadn’t been stunning, but she was pretty.  And she had been willing to move beyond the lecture format.  Wendy had been back in his undergrad days, and the wound she’d left was still open.  He’d spent his youth learning that God wanted good boys to be chaste.  He’d internalized it well, but Wendy was powerful enough to shatter his paradigm.  Yes, she’d overcome God himself.  And he had to learn to live without her.

Terah wished this night would end.  When he closed his eyes he saw Vince’s charcoal sketch of Lindsey.  Then he’d think how she’d known most of these men before him.  From her point of view he was just another older, homeless guy.  She’d said straight out that they could never move beyond where they were.  The need Terah felt wasn’t sexual.  He needed to be wanted by her.  He had to be her special friend, her Wendy.  How could he explain that to her?  How could he convince her that a chaste romance was fine, as long as he was on her mind?  He’d never even kissed Wendy, not during their first, star-crossed affair.

After it had ended, Terah realized the signs had been there all along.  During counselor orientation Wendy had been near Gary most of the time.  It was Evangelism Camp that threw her together with Terah and it had been so intense that the two of them had bonded.  But she’d already found Gary, with his crooked nose and chunky physique, more compelling.

The summer after graduation Terah had taken a job in the south hills of Pittsburgh.  He recalled that was where Wendy was from.  In the days before the internet, which the homeless didn’t use anyway, they had written letters.  He sent one to Wendy.  He wanted to be friends.  He couldn’t take being on the cusp between love and hate.  Maybe since he was in Pittsburgh they could grab a coffee sometime?  She called him.

It was late in the summer.  He was going to Boston for grad school in September.  He needed to visit the university first.  He was going to drive up the next week, in fact.  She came over to the house where he’d been staying with a local family he knew.  They let him sleep in their finished basement.  Yes, it was fine if he had a girl down there to talk.  He took a seat on an overstuffed chair.  Not believing what he was seeing, Wendy came across the room and sat on his lap.  They’d only ever held hands before.  Although she had to have felt the answer with their jeans rubbing together, she draped her arms around him, put her head on his and asked, “What are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking about Boston,” he lied.  “I’m driving up next week.”

“Can I come with you?”

His heart stopped.  This couldn’t be happening!  The hell he’d been through from Halloween through graduation—was that about to end?  He hadn’t been able to forget her.  Wendy without her crooked-nosed Gary.  “Sure.  I’m leaving Thursday and coming back Sunday.”  It was going to be a long trip.  The speed limit in Pennsylvania was still 55.  “It’ll be about eleven hours up and back.”

“I’ll be here at six.”

The family upstairs warned him, but he couldn’t see.  Wendy was his special friend.  She’d broken up with Gary.  She’d come to see Terah was the right man for her.  Everything was going to change in September.

It was a long drive.  Wendy couldn’t drive a stick and the stream of trucks along I-80 was unbroken.  Pennsylvania wasn’t a hugh state, but the speed limit made it seem so.  80 led to 81 led to 84.  They drove through until it was dark.  He couldn’t believe the traffic in Massachusetts.  Navigating Boston in the dark was a challenge, but Wendy was good with maps.

Boston University had put him up in graduate student housing.  Unlike Grove City College, the brownstone was coed.  These were grad students, after all.  They were a little surprised that this perspective student had brought a girlfriend with him.  Not only that, but the lovebirds seemed inseparable.  He’d introduced her around, said the two of them would be moving to Boston next month.  She nodded with her whole body.  Yes, they would be coming to Boston together.

Sunday they drove though the Adirondacks, the green mountains stretching out before them.  She wanted to drive.  There among the Catskill eagles he’d taught her to let out the clutch while pressing the gas.  Shifting gears.  He felt himself getting hard as she learned under his tutelage.  They’d slept in separate rooms in the dorm, of course, but the kissing embargo had ended.  They were a full-fledged couple.  And they were driving to their destiny.  Would he see her this week?

No, she had to work.  She would call him, though.  To make arrangements.  Friday came.  The phone rang.  Terah took it on the basement extension.  He sat dumbfounded.

“Terah, we can never see each other again.  I love you, but Gary wants me back.  I can’t go to Boston with you.  I won’t forget you.  No, I can’t see you.  Goodbye.”

Terah walked to his cabin door.  The dark was intense.  Would this night ever end?